Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
