and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
