I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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