then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just pee around me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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