her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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