Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
