mondays should just be called national damage control day
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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