sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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