I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
