you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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