he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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