how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
