It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
