She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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