when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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