i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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