so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
