I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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