Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
