my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
