I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My dick has a subreddit
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
