Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
