yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
