you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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