Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
