According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
