somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
