Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
