i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
