I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
