just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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