I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
