He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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