I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
