if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
