You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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