A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
as a side note pls kill me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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