so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm passing your future prison.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
