Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
