On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She bit a glass in half.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
