Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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