girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
