we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
All the doctor said was why
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
