In the future we'll all be gay
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
