I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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