Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
