I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
