We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
