sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
