I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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