I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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