Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
