if i can run in heels then i can drive
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
