I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
