I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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