his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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