I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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