she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
