So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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