Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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