I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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