it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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