I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
is it fun? or sober?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
