fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Help. Why am I so naked?
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