i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Randomize
