Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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