i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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