Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
