um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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