are you so shy because you have an std?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
