someone get that fucking seahorse.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize