I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
