did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
